It's really odd that I seem to meet new people (and possibly a new friend) in the weirdest of situations. Like walking through the forest pathway to one of the school buildings and seeing someone rocking out on a keyboard.

You heard me. A keyboard. In like 50 F weather.

Always the curious type, aren't you Ally.

Anyhoo, I'll leave you with that, and spare you the details. Either way it was kinda.. I dunno, magical? But it made me smile. It was insane and kinda beautiful, then again I'm one for scenery and music combined. Singing 'Lullaby' by Jack's Mannequin tonight when I should be rewriting notes. Totally fine.

Life is going by so fast.

Okay so.

I just suddenly felt like writing. I haven't written in a such a long time, and I realized that I should do this more often. I'm not here to act, and I'm not here to put on a show for people, it's my journal so I'll do what I want with it.

I have no clue where that came from, not targeted at anybody, but DAMNIT I have been so frustrated lately with people and with life in general, like everything is rotating, and rotating slowly. and I have to slow myself down so I don't go too far ahead. I'm not mad, not angry, just kinda..

I don't know. nngh. I feel like there is too much drama surrounding me sometimes and that what happens, it's all up to me, everyone looks at me to make the ultimatum, and sometimes I don't feel like it.

WHERE AM I GETTING THIS FUEL FOR MY FRUSTRATION. There's much work to be done, people are counting on me, have to maintain the happy, and yet still have to maintain myself. I want to find my inbox one day devoid of any urgent emails, and I want to be a doctor already. I also want to be a rockstar.

Yes, I am serious. I really do.

I'm subbing for the lead singer in my friend's band tonight. Let's see where that goes. Probably more drama. There's no such thing as "just being nice" to most people anymore. I want vacation yet I don't want vacation. MNGHH
 

What's wrong with me. Maybe there's a blockage on inspiration lately. So many things are happening. So many, many things. Am I the only one that feels this way? Or am I just bitching?

Back to studying.

I like how I go on LJ when I'm terribly upset. Maybe because there are things that can't be voiced, but can be written. The pain I feel right now, it's numbing, and it hurts, and it feels overwhelming. The house is so quiet, the chair he always sat in is still right next to me.

Right next to me.

I'm not sure if it's selfish of me or not to want to keep him here forever. He has family and friends back in the UK. He's moving here though in the next few years.. I really hope time flies now

Everything I see, and everything I feel, it reminds me of him. It hurts. I hurt so badly right now and I can't even begin to describe it. My mom had to help me out of my car and hold me like I was a child again. In a way I still am. I'm still so young.  And  yet, I already found my soulmate. My mom says not many people are able to do that at such an age, if ever. But we're different.

It's strange, feeling so sad. You know, heh, I'm usually the one that people come to when they are sad, I'm the one who cracks the jokes, smiles, whatever. I don't like to show visibly that I'm hurting. So I apologize to my friends in advance if I seem a little off for the next couple of weeks, just trying to mend the pieces.

I'm not used to being so open like  this, but Marc says I should at least let it out instead of keeping it in all the time. I have something to look forward to anyway.. he will be back. He'll come back to me, and one day, he will stay.

*sigh.*

Love you.

SCHOOL IS KILLING ME.

That is all.

Not much to say. Super typed. Barely feel like typing. Better post later?

Follow me, twitter, mangolyte.

Fragments.

.. Doing laundry. D: I just suck at it. I can't fold, I spill a crapload of detergent, I flail with the fabric softener ("BLLAARRGHHH WHAT THE HELL IS THIS PURPLE CRAP" <-- me 10 minutes ago)  And then my roomate is all "Hang your bras to dry so they don't stretch out in the dryer" and I'm so confused  with this PURPLE POLKA DOTTED MADNESS.

.. Sigh. :>;

Right. Went to the gym, library, and cafeteria ( I'm still eating despite my absurdness this week) just as planned. Apparently I'm either going to see a friend in a play tonight OR go sake bombing (I'm not actually going to bomb though, just get some sushi). Hmm. I still need to rewrite some notes, study for a test, and do two papers that I wish can do themselves. Why aren't you guys asexual, EH?

<3; I'm feeling kinda.. ill, though.

With this new laptop I have to reinstall everything and GUESS WHO LEFT CS4 HOOOOOOME. And my USB cord for my camera. Nyyygh.

At least this agave lemonade is good.

UGH  I have so much to do. D:

I need my knight to come back to me soon.

A fresh keyboard is all tender and crispy, like a hero. Woah.

<3 short and sweet.

Test tomorrow (or today, rather) I still feel sick to my stomach but otherwise okay~! LOOK AT ME I'M CHEERFUL-- *shot*

Tomorrow is going to sliiiiightly suck. But today was good because I printed out this amazing picture of Pookie in a jacket and tacked it on my bulletin, despite the beard-ness. :> I want to see that hair, you~

OH, and that quiz I thought I bombed? 96. Huh. WHAAAAT.

Life is okay. =)

"I want to kiss you."

I turned and blinked in confusion as I turned to face the voice. Was he talking to me? Or was he on the phone?

"Robert? What are you doing here?"

He looked at me like he was about to cry or scream, I'm not too sure. He grabbed me by the shoulders and stared at me for almost a minute, not saying anything. It was quiet out in the forest trail that we were standing on. I felt this urge to start backing away. And I did. He moved one step closer.

"Didn't you hear me? What I just said?"

I didn't want to reply. I felt as if I did, that would be an affirmation to whatever he wanted. And it didn't sound too good.

"I said.. I want to kiss you."

"I heard you the first time... Rob, listen, you're really nice and all but I don't harbor that kind of feeling for you, you should focus more on your situation with your girlfriend--"

"You don't understand..." His fingers started to travel up my arm through my peacoat, he's boring into me with his suddenly-intimidating stare. I hate when people stare, I always have. It bothered me even moreso because there was nothing else to focus on-- no people, no animal, it was just us, the giant pine trees, and the snow falling.

It was so quiet and tense.

"It's over between her and me. I just don't love her anymore. Not after what she did to you. She was right, you know, I did really like having you tutor me, and I've always found you so cheery and so sunny and.. the opposite of her. And I just.. want to.."

He started to edge closer to me, and before I even can even say stop his hands were on my cheeks, he was leaning down.

He was going in for the kill.

I pushed him away and stared at him in utter shock; and I don't get shocked very easily, it was a really odd feeling for me. I was shocked because I thought things were going well between him and his girlfriend. I thought he only saw me as his tutor, and his friend.

This, this was kind of a drop-bomb.

"Look.. you're a nice guy and all, but... no. You know I'm in love with somebody, very, very much. I'll still be your friend, and I'll still tutor you, but that's it." I gestured towards the vast silence around us. "Even when we're totally alone. Sorry."

"But.. !" He seemed to suddenly have this desperate aura around him as he edged closer to me again, he started to wrap his arms around me, hugging me in this awkward hug that felt like he was trying to do something.I wriggled out of his arms, looked at him one more time, and walked away.

'That was WAY WAY WAY WAY awkward. I better write a live journal post about this.' 

---

augh THAT WAS SO AWKWARD.